


Couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted

by Liffis



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Colorado Avalanche, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18694777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liffis/pseuds/Liffis
Summary: There are certain rules to life as a hockey player, and quite high up that list would be: Don't Be Gay. It's not always explicitly enforced, but not every rule has to be, after all.And Tyson plans on being a good hockey player.





	Couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted

**Author's Note:**

> Because I deal best with The Big Sads when I can have fictional characters deal with them, so here they do, again. Mainly cause I...kinda feel the same. Being gay is really difficult, even if you don't get beaten up, even if you don't hear slurs, even if you don't get kicked out, even if there's no explicit discrimination. There's always the fear: But What If There Will Be Some Of That Soon? Like a tsunami that could break over your life at any second. It's bad. I don't regret being into men, but sometimes I do think being into women would've just been - easier in general.

Being gay is just not something Tyson can be. And if he’d talk about it, that would make it real, so he just…doesn’t. Tries to be as un-gay as he can be, but it’s difficult, because he always has to clamp down that part of himself. 

It means that when he meets JT for the first time, he thinks: Oh Shit, and then he immediately puts it away. Neat box, in the cellar of his brain: there it goes. He shakes hands with him, half-hugging him the way Normal Men do it, the way he has learned to do it since he was fifteen and realized he’s into men. 

It means that he can feel himself falling for one of his best friends – and he still has to just…not be. Has to deal with these feelings alone at night, in bed, when he’s all alone for the first time of the day and no one, no one ever can see him, can look at him and see how gay he is, and here, finally, his thoughts are unwatched. In bed, he’s alone and no one can look at him and see how he’s gay. Here, he is safe, because no one sees him and no one might slur homophobic shit at him.

It means that wherever he goes, he’s always painfully careful to monitor how much he’s touching other men. The Avs are easier, in a way, because they’re less strict – it’s okay to touch other men without no-homo-ing his way out of the situations backwards. Hugging is okay, being close, too. Not just hockey-close – being close was par of the course, with how intense seasons ran -, but also generally close. It’s okay to compliment other men, hug them, sit close, easy things like that. 

Some part of him is still frozen – because what if this, this one thing might be the one that tipped it all over? Just because they’ve all managed to laugh off everything so far as no homo – what if another thing couldn’t nor wouldn’t be laughed off as well? What if he’s so fundamentally different that they’ll all see and it will be too much and too bad, simply because he’s gay?

He keeps his head down and doesn’t look and doesn’t touch – not in ways that could be seen as gay. They’re his friends. He trusts them, with a lot of things, even emotional things. The way he cries at videos with tiny kitten, or the way he misses his family; the way he loves hugs and loves being close to others and hates being alone. Things that are close to him, would cut him if they’d use it against him, and he’s in deep, and the NHL is a tough business and in the end – they might be friends, but at the end of the day they’re all out here to make their career and if he fucks it up, his fall from grace is going to be a quick and painful one. 

Being gay would be that. He trusts his friends with a lot, but – not this. He just can’t. There’s no official stance on gayness – oh, they’ve done their YCP publicity stunt, and Tyson had almost puked with nerves at the rainbow coloured tape, because what if someone noticed -? And while no one had said anything homophobic, not even later, in the locker room without the reporters, that didn’t have to mean that they were okay with it. Just because they didn’t openly and unpromptedly spewed hatred did not mean they were okay with someone like him sharing their locker room. 

Tyson’s seen it blow up once. He’d been a kid, back then, and hadn’t known that he was gay, and one of the soccer kids had outed himself, and – it had gone bad. Not openly; the kid hadn’t been mobbed or called names or assaulted. But it had become quiet. So quiet.

He still has nightmares from this happening to him. The locker room turning silent whenever he entered. Showers emptying when he wanted to shower. The neighbouring seat to his staying empty, just like the second bed in his hotel rooms while on the road. No one looking at him while talking to him. No hugs. Greetings faltering, smiles becoming plastic, distance from him, at all times. 

Being out wouldn’t be worth it. Wouldn’t be worth risking hockey for. Just because he wants to touch men, wants to be touched by men, wants them more than just as his good friends, bros – that doesn’t mean he’ll get it.

He has good friends in them, and he’s gotten used to this. In this acting, this lovely play he’s put on except for some people who are in on it, too. Mainly the “girlfriends” he has – he likes them and they’re his friends, too, and they share his problem, just the other way around. As long as they’re both single, it’s okay – Tyson makes very sure to treat them right, especially in front of their parents. It works: so far he has stayed friends with everyone of his “exes”, got invited to a lesbian wedding in Vegas once, it was great.

Outside of them, he doesn’t tell anyone. His sister might know, he’s not sure. She’d borrowed his library card once, so she might’ve seen the kind of books and movies he’d gotten. Nothing racy, but – yeah, there’d been gay things. He must’ve read and watched everything even remotely gay in the whole library twice over, probably.

His mother doesn’t know, and he won’t tell her. Maybe later, when he has a boyfriend so serious he’d be husband material, then he might consider it. If it’s the end of his career anyways and he could live off of the money and in general doesn’t feel as needy, as dependent from other people. 

Because the thing is: he likes his life the way it is. He loves his mom and sister and he wishes he could tell them, he wants to invite a boyfriend home and share a family dinner with him. He wants a man he can bring home and introduce him and have them all get along, becoming a bigger family.  
He also likes his friends and wishes he could tell them he’s gay and if not have them meet a boyfriend, well then maybe have them set him up with their friends and cousins-twice-removed or something, the way they did now with the singles who didn’t run away quickly enough. It was hilarious, and he wanted to be part of this, too, without feeling like crap because while single, he could never make the women he’d get set up with happy. 

If he’d get this, it’d be – the best thing ever, the only thing missing in his life, absolutely. 

He doesn’t dare, though. 

He never did and he never will.

*

There’s something about her son. It’s not bad, but she has this feeling in her stomach that there is Something, like her intuition is telling her that there’s something unsaid. Of course, his secrets are his own and she can’t make him tell her, but she does hope she’s always given him the space to tell things, even if it’s difficult, even if it’s all a bit tense and she can’t quite give him – nor her girl – the things she wants to give them. She tries, god, she does, but sometimes it feels like it’s not enough, but she makes sure to always, always let them know they’re both loved, no matter what. 

That, and she tried to raise them both to be strong, confident, curious, hopefully happy, too. With love, she raised them, and hopes she managed to do so. 

So she’s not sure what it is that’s been plagueing for so long – she’s not sure when this secret came up for her son. Must’ve been years ago, she hadn’t noticed it growing in, like tendrils it had sneaked in, unseen. Until it was there and never left and Tyson’s not gone, thank god, but there’s something. 

She wishes she could hug them and tell him it’d all work out and she’s had to fight for such a long time – he’s an adult now and can, no, does fight his battles on his own, successfully, but still, she would fight them all, if just to take this weight off her son’s shoulders.

*

She hasn’t told mom. Shit, she hasn’t even told Tyson that she knows – but yeah, she’s sure about it. It’s difficult to forget this Look, mainly because she’s never seen him look like that at someone, ever. Not even the girls he’d been dating had gotten a look like that, not even once. – Actually, not once of them had been touched like this, as if Tyson barely dared to touch, like he was touching someone he was forbidden to and –

All that she’s saying is that she has never looked at one of her female friends like that, despite them being her best friends. Ever.

But Tyson never brings Compher home. Doesn’t even talk about it – instead, he gets really cagey when Compher is mentioned, or anything gay related. Clams right up – not visibly, not like he freezes solid, but she knows him, so she pretty quickly sees through the charade: Tys reflects, changes the topics, becomes monosyllabically, anything to stop talking about it. Usually, the topic isn’t enforced.

*

Sometimes, he thinks it might be mutual. When Tyson laughs at him but for this tiny little moment at the end, when he thought JT wasn’t looking anymore, his eyes would get soft. Or when he slapped JT’s shoulder and his hand curled around him slightly before being lifted off completely. Or when they were sitting next to eachother, thighs pressed against one another, and neither of them went away, instead staying close all night long, even if they were at a party. Or when Tyson put his head on JT’s shoulder –

He’s not sure if it’s real or just wishful thinking, because god, he wants it to be real. He wants to. He’s not sure if Tyson would go with it, would like it, would want him to – so he doesn’t. Being Tyson’s friend has to be enough. After all, Tyson’s never even hinted at it. There’s absolutely no sign at all that Tyson might be into men, even a bit.


End file.
